looking forward

I am a little more "enlightened" since my last post. I definitely go back and forth with my emotions going from extremely sad to hopeful.  I wanted to get down everything that I was actually "looking forward" to. Being at home next year will bring good things to my life and I need to remind myself of this. (This is me being extremely optimistic! ) :) ....This is also a mix of topics!!! LOL

  Over the past week or two I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my time while Thomas is gone. It will be a lifestyle change for sure. Without having a job I will for sure need to keep my mind busy with something. I'm sure from some of my friends I may have, or will get, some criticism for not trying to find an X-ray job at the hospital, but I have many reasons why it's not the best thing for me at this time even though I wish more than anything I could. I have decided to try and find a part time job (not in retail this year!!)  I also am looking forward to getting involved in my church. I want to volunteer my time away because the more I give to others the less time I have to think and feel sorry for myself.

The other night Thomas and I attended a "meet and greet." A lovely event where you get to stand up for hours ( it's considered rude to sit in a generals presence unless invited to..and there was not a seat to be found!)  , meet the general of the post and chit chat the night away listening to other officers tell you and your husband the amazing accomplishments they have made in their careers...all while wearing high heels and smiling like you are interested. :) Mary and I would sneak away sometimes to grab a small plate of finger foods, but we were quickly greeted by a man who wanted to tell us his story, lol. Little did he know, but Mary (who is also pregnant) was about to upchuck the meatball she just had, and I was about to fallout do to my lovely low blood pressure problem brought on by pregnancy. He spoke with us for what seemed like 20 min, we were pleased to hear the general make an announcement that she was ready to speak so we could make our get away!! It wasn't much of a get away because the general also wanted to talk and we were still stuck in the same place. There were many rules presented to us that night by our husbands. Don't sit, don't wear a dress that shows your knees ( that didn't happen), don't shake the ladies hand that you come to first in the receiving line, don't leave the room before the general, and certainly don't leave while she ( the general)  is speaking to the group. The longer I stood in those heels the more I felt like I was going to come crashing down to the floor. The room was spinning!! I was scared to leave. I was surrounded by high ranking officers and I was near the front which meant many people would know I was trying to leave and it would be obvious. I couldn't just slip through the back door with no one noticing. I didn't want to make Thomas look bad like he had not explained to me the etiquette of proper "meet and greets" but I had to make my decision...Do I fall-out and make a scene ( EKK! but maybe would serve them right for asking us poor pregnant women to stand for three hours, hehe) or do I risk looking like a dumb lieutenants wife? I looked at Thomas and asked if he could come out with me, ummm, that was a NO! So I started to make my way through the crowd. Yes, people looked. In such a small room I nudged my way through hoping not to fall over on them. I found a chair and was sooo relived! My head felt as light as a feather and then Mary came out. She too was about to loose her cookies if she stood in that hot room any longer. All in all no one said anything and we were not questioned on why we walked out. :) So my lesson for next "meet and greet"...wear flats!!

Okay, so I got a little off my "what I'm looking forward to" topic, but I guess that fits in by saying i'm looking forward to not having to go to next years meet and greet? Okay, I am also looking forward to being around friends and family for the birth of our baby. In CO I wasn't going to be able to have friends there, just in-laws, mom, and my hubby...which would have been perfectly fine, and preferred, but it is nice to think that friends will come see me and the baby in the hospital and woo over how cute my son is...;) I don't want to be alone in the hospital and with all my wonderful friends and family I don't think that's an option anyways. :)

I'm also looking forward to picking out sweet cards and making care packages for Thomas while he is gone. While marriages can be strained from distance and time apart, I know there are still ways to show him I love him even from countries away. All the physical part of the relationship is stripped and you are left to rely on love and communication skills. This can be very rewarding for a marriage in my opinion, if done successfully. I was thinking last night while lying in bed...How many people can honestly say that every single day they treat their spouse as if they only had a short time left with them? Sure there are some, but I have been given this unique opportunity in  my marriage to have those blunt facts pushed in my face daily that he will not be with me next year. No one can predict the future, he is going to war, not a vacation, so of course the thoughts of him not returning occasionally past my mind.  I am in no way claiming to be perfect to him, that's for sure. I have my moments where I look back and wish I didn't act a certain way. I'm not sure where I heard this, or if I just made it up in my head, but what if (in a healthy marriage) we treated our spouse like it was our job to make them happy? I mean, they are our spouses and if you believe that God has given you this person to help you through life, why wouldn't you want to do that? I don't mean give in to their every beck and call, and certainly not let them abuse or take advantage of you, but do things for them even when you may not feel like it. Serve them their dinner, rub there back or feet, offer to be the one to get up and get them that drink of water. It's the little things that make them feel special and you might be surprised by the reaction you get! Even though Thomas and I have never really discussed the matter in detail I feel like he does that for me now. If I get up to get water and he knows I don't feel good, he rushes up to beat me to the refrigerator insisting I sit down and let him serve me, and I do. Give and take happens when you are joyful to give! Okay enough marriage talk.

I am also looking forward to possibly being able to rent a house. I have lived in apartments for years and year and years!!! I want to be able to sing at the top of my lungs without my neighbor hearing me. :) I am looking for a roommate as well someone I can trust and who is a good friend. We will see how that goes, I might be dishing out the rent all by myself.

Anyways, I've been working on this post off and on all day and I think it's time to wrap it up. I know it was a little jumpy from one topic to the next, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you friend. Thank you for reading, and a special thanks to you who have messaged me in response to my blog. You have no idea how much encouragement you have given me by letting me know you care!! Thank you!!!

Dark days

The storm finally ends and we are left with a roof that looks like it's about to fall in and very wet hard wood floors. Maintenance comes and scrap off the drywall that is dangling and dries up the floors with towels. Not much else they can do I guess. The problem was coming from the apt. above us a window had been broken, something of that nature. On a good note we did not loose our electricity! We decided to go out and try to scout out the area. We had no food of course because we just moved in. Dinner the night before didn't happen so needless to say we were very hungry! Everywhere we drove looked like a ghost town, we were they only ones who did have electricity it seemed. Trees and power lines were down and people were driving like maniacs with no thought of the people around them. Just because the road signs had been knocked down and traffic lights were out people obviously felt that they must have the right away at all times...this led Thomas to I to have a conversation about in times of crisis so many people are only out for them self without the thought of what consequences it might carry for them or their neighbor. I was scared to death to be on the same road with these people and was ashamed at what I was seeing. That was my second welcome to Virginia..I gave it the benefit of  the doubt though. I mean, we had come at a bad time. lol

So the hurricane drama would eventually subside. Thomas was getting into his routine of waking up early, kissing me goodbye, and heading to work. My job was to do the household stuff, clean, cook, laundry, all those "wifely duties" I suppose. :p  Problem was...I was still as sick as a dog. The medicine didn't seem to be working much anymore. Walking from the bed to the couch took my breath away and sitting in an upright position would leave me dizzy and sure to surrender my last meal to the trashcan. Something was taking over my body and my body was fighting back hard, leaving me with zero energy! Was this normal? and if it is how do women function? I felt consumed with guilt when Thomas would come home and nothing would be done. Not only was I guilty about that, but my meal for the day might have consisted of a few crackers. How could this baby grow normally without me eating like I should? Day after day, the same thing. Thomas coming home to find that I was still in the same clothes that I was in when he left, and dinner was no where in sight. He handled it pretty well, but I was the one who couldn't seem to get over that I was lazy and this baby was making we useless. I struggled with horrible thoughts the next 5 weeks that this continued. Was I ready for this baby? Was I ready to make the sacrifices it took, to give my body up to this child and surrender? Most of the time I would just cry alone. No family or friends within hundreds of miles. Thomas was the only face to face contact I had with another soul in a month. Facebook was my only outlet to the outside world it seemed.

I had gone from a very busy student with purpose and goals. To setting in a small apartment in VA with nothing to do for weeks on end, nor the energy to do so. I thought about how I missed working with patients, how helping them with something so small as a chest x-ray made me feel like I was doing something in this world. Most of my classmates now had jobs, and I would listen to their stories over the phone and cry. Then, I would get myself together and tell myself. " you chose this, you wanted this, this is where you are suppose to be"...and I knew it was true. I have never doubted that Thomas was who I was suppose to be with and that I was willing to give up my career for that. It was another typical army wife lesson. That once again, I was expecting...

Then, something happened that I wasn't expecting. Something I wasn't ready for.
One day while on Facebook talking to another army wife who is currently at Ft. Carson, we were discussing housing. I was in the processes of trying to do something productive and get our names on the waiting list. I could see it already! It was a beautiful 2 story, 3 bedroom home, built only a year or two ago. I looked at the pictures and was so excited! I've never lived in such a beautiful home before. Finally Thomas's hard work was going to pay off and we were going to (if only for a few years) live a beautiful home, have a beautiful baby there and look out our kitchen patio and see the mountains. Not only that, but I could finally get a job after the baby was old enough to be put in an on post day care at the end of the summer. I was in dream land. :) I knew that a deployment would come eventually, but the baby and I would be settled and I would deal with it when it came. Not only that, but there are tons of support systems on post. like the Family Readiness Group or (FRG). I could handle it, it comes with the package.

Before I could even get my next happy thought out, she messaged me and asked what platoon and brigade my husband was in because that would determine when he deploys. My heart sank...what?? She already knows this info? She continued on and said..."for example, if he is in the (x) brigade he will be deploying just as soon as you arrive"... I stared at the computer screen until I gained focus again. To be honest, I didn't know what brigade he was in but I knew where to find it! I shuffled frantically through piles of army paper that we had trying to find his CO orders. Once I found it and saw his brigade I burst in tears. Not little wimpy tears of sadness, I couldn't control myself! I was hyperventilating, gasping for breath laying on the floor kind of tears. I felt like I had been shot in the heart. The only thing I can relate it to, that I have ever felt a similar emotion is when someone you love unexpectedly dies. The shock, the realization that for a long time things will not ever be the same.

It's taken me many days to write this post. I've been waiting for a day when I felt like ending it on a positive note. Something more uplifting. There are many times when I feel as though I am okay. I know God loves me and Thomas and wants good things for our lives. I keep repeating that to myself in times of doubt. But on days (like today) where not crying is not an option I just accept my feelings and move on...or try to. Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my marriage it wouldn't be so hard, but the thought of my best friend leaving and missing such important events in our marriage and life is just something that is going to take a little more time to ever accept. I lay in bed every night and hold him and cry. The sad thing is...I don't even know if this is normal because I feel like I have no support or anyone who understands. Being pregnant and sad is just so much to handle. I think I'll end here for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more uplifting! Thanks for reading.