Dark days

The storm finally ends and we are left with a roof that looks like it's about to fall in and very wet hard wood floors. Maintenance comes and scrap off the drywall that is dangling and dries up the floors with towels. Not much else they can do I guess. The problem was coming from the apt. above us a window had been broken, something of that nature. On a good note we did not loose our electricity! We decided to go out and try to scout out the area. We had no food of course because we just moved in. Dinner the night before didn't happen so needless to say we were very hungry! Everywhere we drove looked like a ghost town, we were they only ones who did have electricity it seemed. Trees and power lines were down and people were driving like maniacs with no thought of the people around them. Just because the road signs had been knocked down and traffic lights were out people obviously felt that they must have the right away at all times...this led Thomas to I to have a conversation about in times of crisis so many people are only out for them self without the thought of what consequences it might carry for them or their neighbor. I was scared to death to be on the same road with these people and was ashamed at what I was seeing. That was my second welcome to Virginia..I gave it the benefit of  the doubt though. I mean, we had come at a bad time. lol

So the hurricane drama would eventually subside. Thomas was getting into his routine of waking up early, kissing me goodbye, and heading to work. My job was to do the household stuff, clean, cook, laundry, all those "wifely duties" I suppose. :p  Problem was...I was still as sick as a dog. The medicine didn't seem to be working much anymore. Walking from the bed to the couch took my breath away and sitting in an upright position would leave me dizzy and sure to surrender my last meal to the trashcan. Something was taking over my body and my body was fighting back hard, leaving me with zero energy! Was this normal? and if it is how do women function? I felt consumed with guilt when Thomas would come home and nothing would be done. Not only was I guilty about that, but my meal for the day might have consisted of a few crackers. How could this baby grow normally without me eating like I should? Day after day, the same thing. Thomas coming home to find that I was still in the same clothes that I was in when he left, and dinner was no where in sight. He handled it pretty well, but I was the one who couldn't seem to get over that I was lazy and this baby was making we useless. I struggled with horrible thoughts the next 5 weeks that this continued. Was I ready for this baby? Was I ready to make the sacrifices it took, to give my body up to this child and surrender? Most of the time I would just cry alone. No family or friends within hundreds of miles. Thomas was the only face to face contact I had with another soul in a month. Facebook was my only outlet to the outside world it seemed.

I had gone from a very busy student with purpose and goals. To setting in a small apartment in VA with nothing to do for weeks on end, nor the energy to do so. I thought about how I missed working with patients, how helping them with something so small as a chest x-ray made me feel like I was doing something in this world. Most of my classmates now had jobs, and I would listen to their stories over the phone and cry. Then, I would get myself together and tell myself. " you chose this, you wanted this, this is where you are suppose to be"...and I knew it was true. I have never doubted that Thomas was who I was suppose to be with and that I was willing to give up my career for that. It was another typical army wife lesson. That once again, I was expecting...

Then, something happened that I wasn't expecting. Something I wasn't ready for.
One day while on Facebook talking to another army wife who is currently at Ft. Carson, we were discussing housing. I was in the processes of trying to do something productive and get our names on the waiting list. I could see it already! It was a beautiful 2 story, 3 bedroom home, built only a year or two ago. I looked at the pictures and was so excited! I've never lived in such a beautiful home before. Finally Thomas's hard work was going to pay off and we were going to (if only for a few years) live a beautiful home, have a beautiful baby there and look out our kitchen patio and see the mountains. Not only that, but I could finally get a job after the baby was old enough to be put in an on post day care at the end of the summer. I was in dream land. :) I knew that a deployment would come eventually, but the baby and I would be settled and I would deal with it when it came. Not only that, but there are tons of support systems on post. like the Family Readiness Group or (FRG). I could handle it, it comes with the package.

Before I could even get my next happy thought out, she messaged me and asked what platoon and brigade my husband was in because that would determine when he deploys. My heart sank...what?? She already knows this info? She continued on and said..."for example, if he is in the (x) brigade he will be deploying just as soon as you arrive"... I stared at the computer screen until I gained focus again. To be honest, I didn't know what brigade he was in but I knew where to find it! I shuffled frantically through piles of army paper that we had trying to find his CO orders. Once I found it and saw his brigade I burst in tears. Not little wimpy tears of sadness, I couldn't control myself! I was hyperventilating, gasping for breath laying on the floor kind of tears. I felt like I had been shot in the heart. The only thing I can relate it to, that I have ever felt a similar emotion is when someone you love unexpectedly dies. The shock, the realization that for a long time things will not ever be the same.

It's taken me many days to write this post. I've been waiting for a day when I felt like ending it on a positive note. Something more uplifting. There are many times when I feel as though I am okay. I know God loves me and Thomas and wants good things for our lives. I keep repeating that to myself in times of doubt. But on days (like today) where not crying is not an option I just accept my feelings and move on...or try to. Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my marriage it wouldn't be so hard, but the thought of my best friend leaving and missing such important events in our marriage and life is just something that is going to take a little more time to ever accept. I lay in bed every night and hold him and cry. The sad thing is...I don't even know if this is normal because I feel like I have no support or anyone who understands. Being pregnant and sad is just so much to handle. I think I'll end here for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more uplifting! Thanks for reading.