These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Okay, scratch that...the past few months. I have watched other military friends settle into new homes with their husbands and start this journey of "military life" together. I have to admit...it gets hard not to have feelings of jealousy. In fact, feeling anything but sadness has been hard lately. The morning Thomas and I said good bye was the worst day of my life. Will I ever see him again? Will he ever meet our son? Will he come back the same sweet man I've always known? These are questions I'm not sure anyone is prepared to ever think. In fact, just the thought of that morning is enough to send me into a crying fest that makes my head pound. I often thought that day, what have I got myself into? Can I handle this? We would be seperated 11 weeks before he deployed because I'm just to pregnant to move and risk going into labor alone after he leaves stateside. We truly felt that, though the harder decision, it was best that I stay behind. For awhile I was doing great! I knew I had the prayers and support of countless friends and family, and I barely even cried that first week. I felt so strong. I knew what I had to face, I knew I wasn't the only one to ever face it, and I knew that God was with me. I was coping well. Even with all the pregnancy hormones raging inside of me, I was able to keep my composure and "move on" so to speak. My concern was 'growing' this baby and getting through what I knew would be a tough delivery emotionally.
A week later, while out with my friend Mary I receive a phone call from Thomas, he had just met with his unit. He asked if I wanted to hear the news now or later..( DUH, why would I want to wait!?) His unit had told him that the mission had changed, they no longer needed as many people and since he was new to the unit they had decided not to take him and place him somewhere else..WOW! I couldn't believe my ears! I started crying in joy and relive! maybe I was going to get to have that "normal" get to move with your spouse to a duty station experience and he was going to get to see his son be born! I was experiencing joy for the first time in months like I had never felt it. I can't even type into words how happy I was! of course along with this came other stressful questions, like how/when do I move up there? Can we afford it? ( since obviously the Army just paid for him to move up there I didn't expect they would volunteer to help us out) We decided that I would stay here until after the baby was born, he would of course fly down for the birth and get 10 days off, and we would just take that travel time to move into a house in CO. My dreams were coming to life, husband, baby, house, being together!! I sceptically allowed myself to imagine Thomas in the delivery room, seeing his face when Clayton was born, sharing that moment together that would surely be the best moment of our life. I knew that just as quickly as the Army says one thing, it can change. So yes, I was skeptical. last night my world took another turn. I'm laying on the couch with a fever and sore throat and all I can think about it this nagging fear that the Army would change their mind. Thomas was meeting his unit in an hour or two and they would tell him his new job and so forth. The phone finally rang. When I answered I immediately knew something was wrong. All he could say was he was sorry..over and over. The new unit he transferred to was also deploying..same time, this time, they were taking him. Assigned him a job and everything. my heart, which was so slowly being mended by the first realization that he was deploying before the birth was crushed again. I don't think I wanted anything more in that moment then to give up. I didn't know what that meant, but I wanted the constant pain of the past few months to be over, and it was just recycling itself. Coming in full force! I felt like I was handing things so well. Why would this happen? Why would I get three days of thinking he would be here, just to have them crushed? I would have rather gone on with my routine with coping then have the band-aid ripped off again. Though I obviously don't know the answer to those questions, I do know that it's just going to take some more time for me to recoup and get back to the place I was. The acceptance. I don't feel like God has given up on me, and I know he will get us through this. I only told a few people because of my fear of the Army changing their minds. I got a few responses like "Isn't God good?" and "your prayers paid off" Today, even in my sorrow, my fear of the future, and my simple absence of joy for the moment. I am here to say that even though my husband is leaving before our baby is born, even though we have to be seperated 11 weeks before a deployment, even though we both miss each other like crazy and sometimes wish this wasn't our live style..GOD IS STILL GOOD and HE STILL ANSWERS MY PRAYERS. Even if they are not answered in the way we hoped.
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