These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Okay, scratch that...the past few months. I have watched other military friends settle into new homes with their husbands and start this journey of "military life" together. I have to admit...it gets hard not to have feelings of jealousy. In fact, feeling anything but sadness has been hard lately. The morning Thomas and I said good bye was the worst day of my life. Will I ever see him again? Will he ever meet our son? Will he come back the same sweet man I've always known? These are questions I'm not sure anyone is prepared to ever think. In fact, just the thought of that morning is enough to send me into a crying fest that makes my head pound. I often thought that day, what have I got myself into? Can I handle this? We would be seperated 11 weeks before he deployed because I'm just to pregnant to move and risk going into labor alone after he leaves stateside. We truly felt that, though the harder decision, it was best that I stay behind. For awhile I was doing great! I knew I had the prayers and support of countless friends and family, and I barely even cried that first week. I felt so strong. I knew what I had to face, I knew I wasn't the only one to ever face it, and I knew that God was with me. I was coping well. Even with all the pregnancy hormones raging inside of me, I was able to keep my composure and "move on" so to speak. My concern was 'growing' this baby and getting through what I knew would be a tough delivery emotionally.
A week later, while out with my friend Mary I receive a phone call from Thomas, he had just met with his unit. He asked if I wanted to hear the news now or later..( DUH, why would I want to wait!?) His unit had told him that the mission had changed, they no longer needed as many people and since he was new to the unit they had decided not to take him and place him somewhere else..WOW! I couldn't believe my ears! I started crying in joy and relive! maybe I was going to get to have that "normal" get to move with your spouse to a duty station experience and he was going to get to see his son be born! I was experiencing joy for the first time in months like I had never felt it. I can't even type into words how happy I was! of course along with this came other stressful questions, like how/when do I move up there? Can we afford it? ( since obviously the Army just paid for him to move up there I didn't expect they would volunteer to help us out) We decided that I would stay here until after the baby was born, he would of course fly down for the birth and get 10 days off, and we would just take that travel time to move into a house in CO. My dreams were coming to life, husband, baby, house, being together!! I sceptically allowed myself to imagine Thomas in the delivery room, seeing his face when Clayton was born, sharing that moment together that would surely be the best moment of our life. I knew that just as quickly as the Army says one thing, it can change. So yes, I was skeptical. last night my world took another turn. I'm laying on the couch with a fever and sore throat and all I can think about it this nagging fear that the Army would change their mind. Thomas was meeting his unit in an hour or two and they would tell him his new job and so forth. The phone finally rang. When I answered I immediately knew something was wrong. All he could say was he was sorry..over and over. The new unit he transferred to was also deploying..same time, this time, they were taking him. Assigned him a job and everything. my heart, which was so slowly being mended by the first realization that he was deploying before the birth was crushed again. I don't think I wanted anything more in that moment then to give up. I didn't know what that meant, but I wanted the constant pain of the past few months to be over, and it was just recycling itself. Coming in full force! I felt like I was handing things so well. Why would this happen? Why would I get three days of thinking he would be here, just to have them crushed? I would have rather gone on with my routine with coping then have the band-aid ripped off again. Though I obviously don't know the answer to those questions, I do know that it's just going to take some more time for me to recoup and get back to the place I was. The acceptance. I don't feel like God has given up on me, and I know he will get us through this. I only told a few people because of my fear of the Army changing their minds. I got a few responses like "Isn't God good?" and "your prayers paid off" Today, even in my sorrow, my fear of the future, and my simple absence of joy for the moment. I am here to say that even though my husband is leaving before our baby is born, even though we have to be seperated 11 weeks before a deployment, even though we both miss each other like crazy and sometimes wish this wasn't our live style..GOD IS STILL GOOD and HE STILL ANSWERS MY PRAYERS. Even if they are not answered in the way we hoped.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
looking forward
I am a little more "enlightened" since my last post. I definitely go back and forth with my emotions going from extremely sad to hopeful. I wanted to get down everything that I was actually "looking forward" to. Being at home next year will bring good things to my life and I need to remind myself of this. (This is me being extremely optimistic! ) :) ....This is also a mix of topics!!! LOL
Over the past week or two I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my time while Thomas is gone. It will be a lifestyle change for sure. Without having a job I will for sure need to keep my mind busy with something. I'm sure from some of my friends I may have, or will get, some criticism for not trying to find an X-ray job at the hospital, but I have many reasons why it's not the best thing for me at this time even though I wish more than anything I could. I have decided to try and find a part time job (not in retail this year!!) I also am looking forward to getting involved in my church. I want to volunteer my time away because the more I give to others the less time I have to think and feel sorry for myself.
The other night Thomas and I attended a "meet and greet." A lovely event where you get to stand up for hours ( it's considered rude to sit in a generals presence unless invited to..and there was not a seat to be found!) , meet the general of the post and chit chat the night away listening to other officers tell you and your husband the amazing accomplishments they have made in their careers...all while wearing high heels and smiling like you are interested. :) Mary and I would sneak away sometimes to grab a small plate of finger foods, but we were quickly greeted by a man who wanted to tell us his story, lol. Little did he know, but Mary (who is also pregnant) was about to upchuck the meatball she just had, and I was about to fallout do to my lovely low blood pressure problem brought on by pregnancy. He spoke with us for what seemed like 20 min, we were pleased to hear the general make an announcement that she was ready to speak so we could make our get away!! It wasn't much of a get away because the general also wanted to talk and we were still stuck in the same place. There were many rules presented to us that night by our husbands. Don't sit, don't wear a dress that shows your knees ( that didn't happen), don't shake the ladies hand that you come to first in the receiving line, don't leave the room before the general, and certainly don't leave while she ( the general) is speaking to the group. The longer I stood in those heels the more I felt like I was going to come crashing down to the floor. The room was spinning!! I was scared to leave. I was surrounded by high ranking officers and I was near the front which meant many people would know I was trying to leave and it would be obvious. I couldn't just slip through the back door with no one noticing. I didn't want to make Thomas look bad like he had not explained to me the etiquette of proper "meet and greets" but I had to make my decision...Do I fall-out and make a scene ( EKK! but maybe would serve them right for asking us poor pregnant women to stand for three hours, hehe) or do I risk looking like a dumb lieutenants wife? I looked at Thomas and asked if he could come out with me, ummm, that was a NO! So I started to make my way through the crowd. Yes, people looked. In such a small room I nudged my way through hoping not to fall over on them. I found a chair and was sooo relived! My head felt as light as a feather and then Mary came out. She too was about to loose her cookies if she stood in that hot room any longer. All in all no one said anything and we were not questioned on why we walked out. :) So my lesson for next "meet and greet"...wear flats!!
Okay, so I got a little off my "what I'm looking forward to" topic, but I guess that fits in by saying i'm looking forward to not having to go to next years meet and greet? Okay, I am also looking forward to being around friends and family for the birth of our baby. In CO I wasn't going to be able to have friends there, just in-laws, mom, and my hubby...which would have been perfectly fine, and preferred, but it is nice to think that friends will come see me and the baby in the hospital and woo over how cute my son is...;) I don't want to be alone in the hospital and with all my wonderful friends and family I don't think that's an option anyways. :)
I'm also looking forward to picking out sweet cards and making care packages for Thomas while he is gone. While marriages can be strained from distance and time apart, I know there are still ways to show him I love him even from countries away. All the physical part of the relationship is stripped and you are left to rely on love and communication skills. This can be very rewarding for a marriage in my opinion, if done successfully. I was thinking last night while lying in bed...How many people can honestly say that every single day they treat their spouse as if they only had a short time left with them? Sure there are some, but I have been given this unique opportunity in my marriage to have those blunt facts pushed in my face daily that he will not be with me next year. No one can predict the future, he is going to war, not a vacation, so of course the thoughts of him not returning occasionally past my mind. I am in no way claiming to be perfect to him, that's for sure. I have my moments where I look back and wish I didn't act a certain way. I'm not sure where I heard this, or if I just made it up in my head, but what if (in a healthy marriage) we treated our spouse like it was our job to make them happy? I mean, they are our spouses and if you believe that God has given you this person to help you through life, why wouldn't you want to do that? I don't mean give in to their every beck and call, and certainly not let them abuse or take advantage of you, but do things for them even when you may not feel like it. Serve them their dinner, rub there back or feet, offer to be the one to get up and get them that drink of water. It's the little things that make them feel special and you might be surprised by the reaction you get! Even though Thomas and I have never really discussed the matter in detail I feel like he does that for me now. If I get up to get water and he knows I don't feel good, he rushes up to beat me to the refrigerator insisting I sit down and let him serve me, and I do. Give and take happens when you are joyful to give! Okay enough marriage talk.
I am also looking forward to possibly being able to rent a house. I have lived in apartments for years and year and years!!! I want to be able to sing at the top of my lungs without my neighbor hearing me. :) I am looking for a roommate as well someone I can trust and who is a good friend. We will see how that goes, I might be dishing out the rent all by myself.
Anyways, I've been working on this post off and on all day and I think it's time to wrap it up. I know it was a little jumpy from one topic to the next, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you friend. Thank you for reading, and a special thanks to you who have messaged me in response to my blog. You have no idea how much encouragement you have given me by letting me know you care!! Thank you!!!
Over the past week or two I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my time while Thomas is gone. It will be a lifestyle change for sure. Without having a job I will for sure need to keep my mind busy with something. I'm sure from some of my friends I may have, or will get, some criticism for not trying to find an X-ray job at the hospital, but I have many reasons why it's not the best thing for me at this time even though I wish more than anything I could. I have decided to try and find a part time job (not in retail this year!!) I also am looking forward to getting involved in my church. I want to volunteer my time away because the more I give to others the less time I have to think and feel sorry for myself.
The other night Thomas and I attended a "meet and greet." A lovely event where you get to stand up for hours ( it's considered rude to sit in a generals presence unless invited to..and there was not a seat to be found!) , meet the general of the post and chit chat the night away listening to other officers tell you and your husband the amazing accomplishments they have made in their careers...all while wearing high heels and smiling like you are interested. :) Mary and I would sneak away sometimes to grab a small plate of finger foods, but we were quickly greeted by a man who wanted to tell us his story, lol. Little did he know, but Mary (who is also pregnant) was about to upchuck the meatball she just had, and I was about to fallout do to my lovely low blood pressure problem brought on by pregnancy. He spoke with us for what seemed like 20 min, we were pleased to hear the general make an announcement that she was ready to speak so we could make our get away!! It wasn't much of a get away because the general also wanted to talk and we were still stuck in the same place. There were many rules presented to us that night by our husbands. Don't sit, don't wear a dress that shows your knees ( that didn't happen), don't shake the ladies hand that you come to first in the receiving line, don't leave the room before the general, and certainly don't leave while she ( the general) is speaking to the group. The longer I stood in those heels the more I felt like I was going to come crashing down to the floor. The room was spinning!! I was scared to leave. I was surrounded by high ranking officers and I was near the front which meant many people would know I was trying to leave and it would be obvious. I couldn't just slip through the back door with no one noticing. I didn't want to make Thomas look bad like he had not explained to me the etiquette of proper "meet and greets" but I had to make my decision...Do I fall-out and make a scene ( EKK! but maybe would serve them right for asking us poor pregnant women to stand for three hours, hehe) or do I risk looking like a dumb lieutenants wife? I looked at Thomas and asked if he could come out with me, ummm, that was a NO! So I started to make my way through the crowd. Yes, people looked. In such a small room I nudged my way through hoping not to fall over on them. I found a chair and was sooo relived! My head felt as light as a feather and then Mary came out. She too was about to loose her cookies if she stood in that hot room any longer. All in all no one said anything and we were not questioned on why we walked out. :) So my lesson for next "meet and greet"...wear flats!!
Okay, so I got a little off my "what I'm looking forward to" topic, but I guess that fits in by saying i'm looking forward to not having to go to next years meet and greet? Okay, I am also looking forward to being around friends and family for the birth of our baby. In CO I wasn't going to be able to have friends there, just in-laws, mom, and my hubby...which would have been perfectly fine, and preferred, but it is nice to think that friends will come see me and the baby in the hospital and woo over how cute my son is...;) I don't want to be alone in the hospital and with all my wonderful friends and family I don't think that's an option anyways. :)
I'm also looking forward to picking out sweet cards and making care packages for Thomas while he is gone. While marriages can be strained from distance and time apart, I know there are still ways to show him I love him even from countries away. All the physical part of the relationship is stripped and you are left to rely on love and communication skills. This can be very rewarding for a marriage in my opinion, if done successfully. I was thinking last night while lying in bed...How many people can honestly say that every single day they treat their spouse as if they only had a short time left with them? Sure there are some, but I have been given this unique opportunity in my marriage to have those blunt facts pushed in my face daily that he will not be with me next year. No one can predict the future, he is going to war, not a vacation, so of course the thoughts of him not returning occasionally past my mind. I am in no way claiming to be perfect to him, that's for sure. I have my moments where I look back and wish I didn't act a certain way. I'm not sure where I heard this, or if I just made it up in my head, but what if (in a healthy marriage) we treated our spouse like it was our job to make them happy? I mean, they are our spouses and if you believe that God has given you this person to help you through life, why wouldn't you want to do that? I don't mean give in to their every beck and call, and certainly not let them abuse or take advantage of you, but do things for them even when you may not feel like it. Serve them their dinner, rub there back or feet, offer to be the one to get up and get them that drink of water. It's the little things that make them feel special and you might be surprised by the reaction you get! Even though Thomas and I have never really discussed the matter in detail I feel like he does that for me now. If I get up to get water and he knows I don't feel good, he rushes up to beat me to the refrigerator insisting I sit down and let him serve me, and I do. Give and take happens when you are joyful to give! Okay enough marriage talk.
I am also looking forward to possibly being able to rent a house. I have lived in apartments for years and year and years!!! I want to be able to sing at the top of my lungs without my neighbor hearing me. :) I am looking for a roommate as well someone I can trust and who is a good friend. We will see how that goes, I might be dishing out the rent all by myself.
Anyways, I've been working on this post off and on all day and I think it's time to wrap it up. I know it was a little jumpy from one topic to the next, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you friend. Thank you for reading, and a special thanks to you who have messaged me in response to my blog. You have no idea how much encouragement you have given me by letting me know you care!! Thank you!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Dark days
The storm finally ends and we are left with a roof that looks like it's about to fall in and very wet hard wood floors. Maintenance comes and scrap off the drywall that is dangling and dries up the floors with towels. Not much else they can do I guess. The problem was coming from the apt. above us a window had been broken, something of that nature. On a good note we did not loose our electricity! We decided to go out and try to scout out the area. We had no food of course because we just moved in. Dinner the night before didn't happen so needless to say we were very hungry! Everywhere we drove looked like a ghost town, we were they only ones who did have electricity it seemed. Trees and power lines were down and people were driving like maniacs with no thought of the people around them. Just because the road signs had been knocked down and traffic lights were out people obviously felt that they must have the right away at all times...this led Thomas to I to have a conversation about in times of crisis so many people are only out for them self without the thought of what consequences it might carry for them or their neighbor. I was scared to death to be on the same road with these people and was ashamed at what I was seeing. That was my second welcome to Virginia..I gave it the benefit of the doubt though. I mean, we had come at a bad time. lol
So the hurricane drama would eventually subside. Thomas was getting into his routine of waking up early, kissing me goodbye, and heading to work. My job was to do the household stuff, clean, cook, laundry, all those "wifely duties" I suppose. :p Problem was...I was still as sick as a dog. The medicine didn't seem to be working much anymore. Walking from the bed to the couch took my breath away and sitting in an upright position would leave me dizzy and sure to surrender my last meal to the trashcan. Something was taking over my body and my body was fighting back hard, leaving me with zero energy! Was this normal? and if it is how do women function? I felt consumed with guilt when Thomas would come home and nothing would be done. Not only was I guilty about that, but my meal for the day might have consisted of a few crackers. How could this baby grow normally without me eating like I should? Day after day, the same thing. Thomas coming home to find that I was still in the same clothes that I was in when he left, and dinner was no where in sight. He handled it pretty well, but I was the one who couldn't seem to get over that I was lazy and this baby was making we useless. I struggled with horrible thoughts the next 5 weeks that this continued. Was I ready for this baby? Was I ready to make the sacrifices it took, to give my body up to this child and surrender? Most of the time I would just cry alone. No family or friends within hundreds of miles. Thomas was the only face to face contact I had with another soul in a month. Facebook was my only outlet to the outside world it seemed.
I had gone from a very busy student with purpose and goals. To setting in a small apartment in VA with nothing to do for weeks on end, nor the energy to do so. I thought about how I missed working with patients, how helping them with something so small as a chest x-ray made me feel like I was doing something in this world. Most of my classmates now had jobs, and I would listen to their stories over the phone and cry. Then, I would get myself together and tell myself. " you chose this, you wanted this, this is where you are suppose to be"...and I knew it was true. I have never doubted that Thomas was who I was suppose to be with and that I was willing to give up my career for that. It was another typical army wife lesson. That once again, I was expecting...
Then, something happened that I wasn't expecting. Something I wasn't ready for.
One day while on Facebook talking to another army wife who is currently at Ft. Carson, we were discussing housing. I was in the processes of trying to do something productive and get our names on the waiting list. I could see it already! It was a beautiful 2 story, 3 bedroom home, built only a year or two ago. I looked at the pictures and was so excited! I've never lived in such a beautiful home before. Finally Thomas's hard work was going to pay off and we were going to (if only for a few years) live a beautiful home, have a beautiful baby there and look out our kitchen patio and see the mountains. Not only that, but I could finally get a job after the baby was old enough to be put in an on post day care at the end of the summer. I was in dream land. :) I knew that a deployment would come eventually, but the baby and I would be settled and I would deal with it when it came. Not only that, but there are tons of support systems on post. like the Family Readiness Group or (FRG). I could handle it, it comes with the package.
Before I could even get my next happy thought out, she messaged me and asked what platoon and brigade my husband was in because that would determine when he deploys. My heart sank...what?? She already knows this info? She continued on and said..."for example, if he is in the (x) brigade he will be deploying just as soon as you arrive"... I stared at the computer screen until I gained focus again. To be honest, I didn't know what brigade he was in but I knew where to find it! I shuffled frantically through piles of army paper that we had trying to find his CO orders. Once I found it and saw his brigade I burst in tears. Not little wimpy tears of sadness, I couldn't control myself! I was hyperventilating, gasping for breath laying on the floor kind of tears. I felt like I had been shot in the heart. The only thing I can relate it to, that I have ever felt a similar emotion is when someone you love unexpectedly dies. The shock, the realization that for a long time things will not ever be the same.
It's taken me many days to write this post. I've been waiting for a day when I felt like ending it on a positive note. Something more uplifting. There are many times when I feel as though I am okay. I know God loves me and Thomas and wants good things for our lives. I keep repeating that to myself in times of doubt. But on days (like today) where not crying is not an option I just accept my feelings and move on...or try to. Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my marriage it wouldn't be so hard, but the thought of my best friend leaving and missing such important events in our marriage and life is just something that is going to take a little more time to ever accept. I lay in bed every night and hold him and cry. The sad thing is...I don't even know if this is normal because I feel like I have no support or anyone who understands. Being pregnant and sad is just so much to handle. I think I'll end here for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more uplifting! Thanks for reading.
So the hurricane drama would eventually subside. Thomas was getting into his routine of waking up early, kissing me goodbye, and heading to work. My job was to do the household stuff, clean, cook, laundry, all those "wifely duties" I suppose. :p Problem was...I was still as sick as a dog. The medicine didn't seem to be working much anymore. Walking from the bed to the couch took my breath away and sitting in an upright position would leave me dizzy and sure to surrender my last meal to the trashcan. Something was taking over my body and my body was fighting back hard, leaving me with zero energy! Was this normal? and if it is how do women function? I felt consumed with guilt when Thomas would come home and nothing would be done. Not only was I guilty about that, but my meal for the day might have consisted of a few crackers. How could this baby grow normally without me eating like I should? Day after day, the same thing. Thomas coming home to find that I was still in the same clothes that I was in when he left, and dinner was no where in sight. He handled it pretty well, but I was the one who couldn't seem to get over that I was lazy and this baby was making we useless. I struggled with horrible thoughts the next 5 weeks that this continued. Was I ready for this baby? Was I ready to make the sacrifices it took, to give my body up to this child and surrender? Most of the time I would just cry alone. No family or friends within hundreds of miles. Thomas was the only face to face contact I had with another soul in a month. Facebook was my only outlet to the outside world it seemed.
I had gone from a very busy student with purpose and goals. To setting in a small apartment in VA with nothing to do for weeks on end, nor the energy to do so. I thought about how I missed working with patients, how helping them with something so small as a chest x-ray made me feel like I was doing something in this world. Most of my classmates now had jobs, and I would listen to their stories over the phone and cry. Then, I would get myself together and tell myself. " you chose this, you wanted this, this is where you are suppose to be"...and I knew it was true. I have never doubted that Thomas was who I was suppose to be with and that I was willing to give up my career for that. It was another typical army wife lesson. That once again, I was expecting...
Then, something happened that I wasn't expecting. Something I wasn't ready for.
One day while on Facebook talking to another army wife who is currently at Ft. Carson, we were discussing housing. I was in the processes of trying to do something productive and get our names on the waiting list. I could see it already! It was a beautiful 2 story, 3 bedroom home, built only a year or two ago. I looked at the pictures and was so excited! I've never lived in such a beautiful home before. Finally Thomas's hard work was going to pay off and we were going to (if only for a few years) live a beautiful home, have a beautiful baby there and look out our kitchen patio and see the mountains. Not only that, but I could finally get a job after the baby was old enough to be put in an on post day care at the end of the summer. I was in dream land. :) I knew that a deployment would come eventually, but the baby and I would be settled and I would deal with it when it came. Not only that, but there are tons of support systems on post. like the Family Readiness Group or (FRG). I could handle it, it comes with the package.
Before I could even get my next happy thought out, she messaged me and asked what platoon and brigade my husband was in because that would determine when he deploys. My heart sank...what?? She already knows this info? She continued on and said..."for example, if he is in the (x) brigade he will be deploying just as soon as you arrive"... I stared at the computer screen until I gained focus again. To be honest, I didn't know what brigade he was in but I knew where to find it! I shuffled frantically through piles of army paper that we had trying to find his CO orders. Once I found it and saw his brigade I burst in tears. Not little wimpy tears of sadness, I couldn't control myself! I was hyperventilating, gasping for breath laying on the floor kind of tears. I felt like I had been shot in the heart. The only thing I can relate it to, that I have ever felt a similar emotion is when someone you love unexpectedly dies. The shock, the realization that for a long time things will not ever be the same.
It's taken me many days to write this post. I've been waiting for a day when I felt like ending it on a positive note. Something more uplifting. There are many times when I feel as though I am okay. I know God loves me and Thomas and wants good things for our lives. I keep repeating that to myself in times of doubt. But on days (like today) where not crying is not an option I just accept my feelings and move on...or try to. Maybe if I wasn't so happy with my marriage it wouldn't be so hard, but the thought of my best friend leaving and missing such important events in our marriage and life is just something that is going to take a little more time to ever accept. I lay in bed every night and hold him and cry. The sad thing is...I don't even know if this is normal because I feel like I have no support or anyone who understands. Being pregnant and sad is just so much to handle. I think I'll end here for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more uplifting! Thanks for reading.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
travels through the storm!
The next few post are not the happiest, most uplifting thing you will probably read, but to tell it any other way would not be the truth. I'm being honest with myself and what I felt at the time. It's not the worst thing that could happen, I'm well aware of that.This is just was beginning of a hard struggle for me and God dealing with me in a way that most of my comforts were taken away. I believe that God allows us to go through struggles in this life for many reasons. Sometimes to learn a lesson, sometimes it may be to get us away from something that isn't best for us, or maybe it's simply to remind us that we are not home yet, and this world will never satisfy our yearning and need to be with our father in heaven.
Now back to the story...
One of my "jobs" as an army wife is to find housing for the next place that the army decides we are going. This my friends is not an easy task when you are hundreds of miles away. All you have is a budget and phone number, and you can only hope that during a temporary move you will be able to find an apartment complex willing to lease to you for three short months (Living on base was not an option for us.) It was four weeks before the move and I was completely lost. Every apartment within a 20 min radius to Ft.Lee didn't offer short term leases. This was my first time planning a "across states" move and I would often times find myself so overwhelmed. I would set in bed and cry after being turned down from apartment after apartment complex. I even tried reaching out to different churches in the community with no response each time. It can't be this hard...can it? I mean, isn't the military suppose to help? We never were offered any help as far as the military goes and at that time I had no way of finding out who could help! I had never heard of a sponsor before, which most enlisted ( for those of you non-military people means they chose to go through basic training and start off as an E-1) they are assigned. Sponsors help with trying to make your move as smooth as possible by helping you with any questions and finding a place to stay. As an officer Thomas was not assigned to one, or at least no one mentioned it to us. we were left to figure things out ourselves, which I hope to change one day! We both felt alone. Thrown to this new world with no information. To say this made me frustrated would be an understatement.
Then, the sickness of pregnancy came over me like the black plague! Two weeks before our move and no place to live in VA yet and I was confined to my bed. I couldn't eat, drink or think about a bad smell without upchucking my guts (sorry for the graphic nature!) My sister had a cat, and every time I walked out of the bedroom door I smelled that cat in new ways I never thought I could. In fact, I could smell EVERYTHING! I stayed locked up in my room for two weeks, only coming out to vomit, use the restroom, maybe shower if I had the strength, and to go to work (which was pretty much torture, but I had just been given a promotion and I couldn't not go in because often I would be the only manager.) I mean, how could such a bundle of cells make one so ill?! I would lay in bed and cry, I have never been sick for weeks before and it was getting to me emotionally. During this time I started feeling really sorry for people with terminal illnesses. I knew my pain would end, but that there are countless people in this world that live in pain everyday that have no end in sight...Anyways, that's another topic. Because of the sickness I was not able to continue my search for an apt. and Thomas had to take that job over, while at Ft.knox. I felt horrible about that, but nothing but sleep was on my mind. Call me a baby if you want, but pregnancy didn't agree with me at that time!
Thomas came to the rescue and found a place for us to stay...temporary housing. basically we would pay them thousands(yes that's plural) a month and they would provide us with an apt. loft...which means no bedroom doors, it's just one big open room for an apartment. They furnished it for us because we had no furniture...I sold it all when I moved in with my sister (BIG MISTAKE). Now, for those of you who don't know the military works on a "we'll pay ya back" system, so first months rent and cost to move..yep, that right, all out of pocket! Which means we had to save all we could. The Army would eventually pay us back..just on their time of course, which is usually 8-10 weeks later....Lovely right? :)
So the time had come! Moving day...and hurricane Irene was all over the news! In fact, we were scheduled to get to Petersburg right as the storm was to arrive! yay! Everything I owned fit into my nice new car (which we could finally afford, thank you Army!) Thomas took his stuff in his truck (which was way more stuff then I had!) I said my good byes to friends and family and we were off on our first big adventure!!! I was also ready for this. :)
The trip through KY and into VA was pretty uneventful. My doctor had given me some medicine to help with the nausea, and it was working! Around 6 pm we got to Richmond, VA. This is where the storm begins! The rain was beating so hard I couldn't see the driver in front of me, I knew Thomas was a few vehicles ahead of me but he was totally out of my field of view. I've never had to worry about hurricanes growing up in KY. So my welcome to Virginia and my new home was a lovely event named Irene! The winds were blowing so hard I thought I was going to get thrown off the road. I had the radio on and the new caster was urging people to stay off the road. Thomas and I were one of the few people on the road and I was able to catch up to his tail lights. I followed them though I could barley see. Okay...Looking back, should we have pulled over? probably! but we were really close to "home" and after 13 hours of driving we were ready to be there. Not only that, but this was not a storm that was going to pass through, it was going to be there way into the night, we didn't have much choice but to trek on! So I trusted the faded red lights ahead of me and we slowly made our way to the apartment.
We didn't blow away! We walked up to the apartment door and unlocked it. At first sight, it was nice. Then I saw the wall that had a shower of water streaming down from the ceiling...people, Irene had even followed us home, we had a leak! Not a little leak, the entire wall looked like a flowing water fall. So to make a long story short I called maintenance, they brought some sheets up and said it would have to wait until the hurricane was over. They also told us to prepare for a power outage. hmm, I couldn't help but think...is this a preloom of whats to come here in Virginia?...and in a way, looking back, I would have to say....yes.
The next part of my story is the hardest to write for me. That will be tomorrow, I've ran out of time today. Thanks for reading, and I hope you continue with my story.
Now back to the story...
One of my "jobs" as an army wife is to find housing for the next place that the army decides we are going. This my friends is not an easy task when you are hundreds of miles away. All you have is a budget and phone number, and you can only hope that during a temporary move you will be able to find an apartment complex willing to lease to you for three short months (Living on base was not an option for us.) It was four weeks before the move and I was completely lost. Every apartment within a 20 min radius to Ft.Lee didn't offer short term leases. This was my first time planning a "across states" move and I would often times find myself so overwhelmed. I would set in bed and cry after being turned down from apartment after apartment complex. I even tried reaching out to different churches in the community with no response each time. It can't be this hard...can it? I mean, isn't the military suppose to help? We never were offered any help as far as the military goes and at that time I had no way of finding out who could help! I had never heard of a sponsor before, which most enlisted ( for those of you non-military people means they chose to go through basic training and start off as an E-1) they are assigned. Sponsors help with trying to make your move as smooth as possible by helping you with any questions and finding a place to stay. As an officer Thomas was not assigned to one, or at least no one mentioned it to us. we were left to figure things out ourselves, which I hope to change one day! We both felt alone. Thrown to this new world with no information. To say this made me frustrated would be an understatement.
Then, the sickness of pregnancy came over me like the black plague! Two weeks before our move and no place to live in VA yet and I was confined to my bed. I couldn't eat, drink or think about a bad smell without upchucking my guts (sorry for the graphic nature!) My sister had a cat, and every time I walked out of the bedroom door I smelled that cat in new ways I never thought I could. In fact, I could smell EVERYTHING! I stayed locked up in my room for two weeks, only coming out to vomit, use the restroom, maybe shower if I had the strength, and to go to work (which was pretty much torture, but I had just been given a promotion and I couldn't not go in because often I would be the only manager.) I mean, how could such a bundle of cells make one so ill?! I would lay in bed and cry, I have never been sick for weeks before and it was getting to me emotionally. During this time I started feeling really sorry for people with terminal illnesses. I knew my pain would end, but that there are countless people in this world that live in pain everyday that have no end in sight...Anyways, that's another topic. Because of the sickness I was not able to continue my search for an apt. and Thomas had to take that job over, while at Ft.knox. I felt horrible about that, but nothing but sleep was on my mind. Call me a baby if you want, but pregnancy didn't agree with me at that time!
Thomas came to the rescue and found a place for us to stay...temporary housing. basically we would pay them thousands(yes that's plural) a month and they would provide us with an apt. loft...which means no bedroom doors, it's just one big open room for an apartment. They furnished it for us because we had no furniture...I sold it all when I moved in with my sister (BIG MISTAKE). Now, for those of you who don't know the military works on a "we'll pay ya back" system, so first months rent and cost to move..yep, that right, all out of pocket! Which means we had to save all we could. The Army would eventually pay us back..just on their time of course, which is usually 8-10 weeks later....Lovely right? :)
So the time had come! Moving day...and hurricane Irene was all over the news! In fact, we were scheduled to get to Petersburg right as the storm was to arrive! yay! Everything I owned fit into my nice new car (which we could finally afford, thank you Army!) Thomas took his stuff in his truck (which was way more stuff then I had!) I said my good byes to friends and family and we were off on our first big adventure!!! I was also ready for this. :)
The trip through KY and into VA was pretty uneventful. My doctor had given me some medicine to help with the nausea, and it was working! Around 6 pm we got to Richmond, VA. This is where the storm begins! The rain was beating so hard I couldn't see the driver in front of me, I knew Thomas was a few vehicles ahead of me but he was totally out of my field of view. I've never had to worry about hurricanes growing up in KY. So my welcome to Virginia and my new home was a lovely event named Irene! The winds were blowing so hard I thought I was going to get thrown off the road. I had the radio on and the new caster was urging people to stay off the road. Thomas and I were one of the few people on the road and I was able to catch up to his tail lights. I followed them though I could barley see. Okay...Looking back, should we have pulled over? probably! but we were really close to "home" and after 13 hours of driving we were ready to be there. Not only that, but this was not a storm that was going to pass through, it was going to be there way into the night, we didn't have much choice but to trek on! So I trusted the faded red lights ahead of me and we slowly made our way to the apartment.
We didn't blow away! We walked up to the apartment door and unlocked it. At first sight, it was nice. Then I saw the wall that had a shower of water streaming down from the ceiling...people, Irene had even followed us home, we had a leak! Not a little leak, the entire wall looked like a flowing water fall. So to make a long story short I called maintenance, they brought some sheets up and said it would have to wait until the hurricane was over. They also told us to prepare for a power outage. hmm, I couldn't help but think...is this a preloom of whats to come here in Virginia?...and in a way, looking back, I would have to say....yes.
The next part of my story is the hardest to write for me. That will be tomorrow, I've ran out of time today. Thanks for reading, and I hope you continue with my story.
Oh, Baby!
This is still Summer 2011, towards the end. Another somewhat brief summary just to catch up!
While at Jenni's house one night she got the opportunity to Skype with her husband. My good friend Sarah and I left the room so they could have some "alone time." While we were sitting in the kitchen I heard Jenni start to cry. It was a quiet cry, nothing dramatic, you could tell she was trying to hold her composure. As I listened to the weeps my heart was breaking for her. I couldn't imagine being pregnant and having my husband miss almost all of the pregnancy; the joys and woes that come along with the blessing. (He was going to be able to make the birth thankfully!) It made my situation of only having Thomas gone three months seem like a walk in the park. At that moment as I listened to her tears my gears started turning. We had no idea when Thomas would get deployed, but he still had months of training ahead in which a deployment would not be a threat, afterwards, we would go to Ft.Carson, Co. There was little to no change that he would get deployed so soon after going to his unit. So this would be the perfect time! Not only that, but I was eager to start my career as well, this baby would be due in early 2012 and I could be to work in Colorado by the end of the summer, sounded great to me! My biggest fear was for him to miss the pregnancy and birth. Me, being the planner that I am would try to avoid that pain at all cost....
As you might remember Thomas was a Ft. Knox at this time. I would make weekly or bi-weekly trips to see him. We would stay in a Econo Lodge close to base because he couldn't go far. That was our normal, living in separate spaces, but being able to come together every once in awhile. As we set up in bed watching t.v and eating Pizza Hut (our favorite hotel meal) I brought up the notion that I was ready to start having children. He looked at me with questioning eyes. He had talked about children, but I usually dismissed the idea because we both knew it wasn't the right time. "Why now?" he questioned me. Now, this didn't come to that much of a shock to him, we had been discussing the idea for weeks on the phone, but neither one of us seemed certain of the idea. I explained my reasoning and we discussed back and forth about the pro's and the con's. Thomas stopped me after awhile and told me that we just needed to pray about it. I agreed. So he got down on his knees, offered me to join him and there on that old hotel room floor we prayed for God's wisdom and guidance and not our will be done, but His. We had been through enough the past few years to know that we wanted God's timing...not ours!!
About three weeks later I had missed a certain monthly visitor, along with that came a few other uncomfortable symptoms. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test were negative! I still was feeling ill so I decided to call my doctor and get a blood test. Blood test are very accurate so I knew for sure this would give me my answer. Negative. The nurse walked out and told me, I was okay with this. I knew we had prayed and I had full confidence that God had it under control. So I walked out of the doctors office thinking of all the fun Thomas and I would have in Colorado! Skiing, biking, hiking, camping, all the fun things I wouldn't be able to do while pregnant anyways! Another week past...this made 5! My symptoms were staying and still no visit from the menstrual fairy! I brushed it off thinking it was impossible to be pregnant I had a blood test to prove it! As I was walking in Wal-Mart I walked passed the lovely section that everyone speeds through without even looking at, so not to seem suspicious! The pregnancy test section! I knew it was crazy, but I found the cheapest one there was and stuffed it under a shirt I was going to purchase. Hey, even when your married you don't want people knowing your business! What if I ran into someone I knew??
Thomas happened to be in that weekend for a break. I can't remember if I even told him about the pregnancy test I had purchased...I don't think I did. I ran into the bathroom and took the test completely expecting to see another negative. I mean, why would it be anything but negative? It didn't take long at all to see two pink lines appear...Positive.
I stood there in utter shock. It couldn't be. How did the blood test miss that? It would have been able to tell me at 3-4 weeks if I was pregnant. In fact, I knew I HAD to be pregnant at that time already. It was a feeling like I had never felt before, the first moment you realize that you are carrying another soul and that they would call you mom...After the shock wore off on my face, there was a smile that was bigger than the Grand Cannon. I was so excited that we had been blessed with this pregnancy!
I had thought of many times growing up how I would tell my husband I was pregnant for the first time. visions of buying little onesies and wrapping them to open. Or maybe even wrapping the pregnancy test, or have a stork come to the door! NO, all of that was thrown out the window. I ran into the bedroom and still in a little shock myself, made the announcement! After a few..."what?" and "but the blood test..." questions, he was just as thrilled as I was. I went to the doctor and they did another test...this time positive! An ultrasound would show that I was 6 weeks along. :) This was the start of a new era in our marriage, and I'm not sure we were prepared for the weeks and months to come...We knew things were going to get harder, and expected that, but God was about to start taking us through a storm...literally and figuratively, that we were not expecting. He was to report to Ft. Lee, Virginia in four weeks for three more months of training. This time, I would go with him. We would move to Virginia on Aug. 27,2011 the day Hurricane Irene was scheduled to hit the coast of Virginia and cause massive destruction for many miles inland.
Up next: The woes of pregnancy and a hurricane!
While at Jenni's house one night she got the opportunity to Skype with her husband. My good friend Sarah and I left the room so they could have some "alone time." While we were sitting in the kitchen I heard Jenni start to cry. It was a quiet cry, nothing dramatic, you could tell she was trying to hold her composure. As I listened to the weeps my heart was breaking for her. I couldn't imagine being pregnant and having my husband miss almost all of the pregnancy; the joys and woes that come along with the blessing. (He was going to be able to make the birth thankfully!) It made my situation of only having Thomas gone three months seem like a walk in the park. At that moment as I listened to her tears my gears started turning. We had no idea when Thomas would get deployed, but he still had months of training ahead in which a deployment would not be a threat, afterwards, we would go to Ft.Carson, Co. There was little to no change that he would get deployed so soon after going to his unit. So this would be the perfect time! Not only that, but I was eager to start my career as well, this baby would be due in early 2012 and I could be to work in Colorado by the end of the summer, sounded great to me! My biggest fear was for him to miss the pregnancy and birth. Me, being the planner that I am would try to avoid that pain at all cost....
As you might remember Thomas was a Ft. Knox at this time. I would make weekly or bi-weekly trips to see him. We would stay in a Econo Lodge close to base because he couldn't go far. That was our normal, living in separate spaces, but being able to come together every once in awhile. As we set up in bed watching t.v and eating Pizza Hut (our favorite hotel meal) I brought up the notion that I was ready to start having children. He looked at me with questioning eyes. He had talked about children, but I usually dismissed the idea because we both knew it wasn't the right time. "Why now?" he questioned me. Now, this didn't come to that much of a shock to him, we had been discussing the idea for weeks on the phone, but neither one of us seemed certain of the idea. I explained my reasoning and we discussed back and forth about the pro's and the con's. Thomas stopped me after awhile and told me that we just needed to pray about it. I agreed. So he got down on his knees, offered me to join him and there on that old hotel room floor we prayed for God's wisdom and guidance and not our will be done, but His. We had been through enough the past few years to know that we wanted God's timing...not ours!!
About three weeks later I had missed a certain monthly visitor, along with that came a few other uncomfortable symptoms. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test were negative! I still was feeling ill so I decided to call my doctor and get a blood test. Blood test are very accurate so I knew for sure this would give me my answer. Negative. The nurse walked out and told me, I was okay with this. I knew we had prayed and I had full confidence that God had it under control. So I walked out of the doctors office thinking of all the fun Thomas and I would have in Colorado! Skiing, biking, hiking, camping, all the fun things I wouldn't be able to do while pregnant anyways! Another week past...this made 5! My symptoms were staying and still no visit from the menstrual fairy! I brushed it off thinking it was impossible to be pregnant I had a blood test to prove it! As I was walking in Wal-Mart I walked passed the lovely section that everyone speeds through without even looking at, so not to seem suspicious! The pregnancy test section! I knew it was crazy, but I found the cheapest one there was and stuffed it under a shirt I was going to purchase. Hey, even when your married you don't want people knowing your business! What if I ran into someone I knew??
Thomas happened to be in that weekend for a break. I can't remember if I even told him about the pregnancy test I had purchased...I don't think I did. I ran into the bathroom and took the test completely expecting to see another negative. I mean, why would it be anything but negative? It didn't take long at all to see two pink lines appear...Positive.
I stood there in utter shock. It couldn't be. How did the blood test miss that? It would have been able to tell me at 3-4 weeks if I was pregnant. In fact, I knew I HAD to be pregnant at that time already. It was a feeling like I had never felt before, the first moment you realize that you are carrying another soul and that they would call you mom...After the shock wore off on my face, there was a smile that was bigger than the Grand Cannon. I was so excited that we had been blessed with this pregnancy!
I had thought of many times growing up how I would tell my husband I was pregnant for the first time. visions of buying little onesies and wrapping them to open. Or maybe even wrapping the pregnancy test, or have a stork come to the door! NO, all of that was thrown out the window. I ran into the bedroom and still in a little shock myself, made the announcement! After a few..."what?" and "but the blood test..." questions, he was just as thrilled as I was. I went to the doctor and they did another test...this time positive! An ultrasound would show that I was 6 weeks along. :) This was the start of a new era in our marriage, and I'm not sure we were prepared for the weeks and months to come...We knew things were going to get harder, and expected that, but God was about to start taking us through a storm...literally and figuratively, that we were not expecting. He was to report to Ft. Lee, Virginia in four weeks for three more months of training. This time, I would go with him. We would move to Virginia on Aug. 27,2011 the day Hurricane Irene was scheduled to hit the coast of Virginia and cause massive destruction for many miles inland.
Up next: The woes of pregnancy and a hurricane!
The Beginning
I feel as though a book would be more appropriate for all the details I would like to describe in this first blog, but for now I will give you a brief (very, very brief) summary of the past few months when my journey began. My later post will be in much more detail. Please bare with me as this is my first blog! please excuse the grammatical errors...I tried to remember my English courses, but I've never been great at writing stories, didn't think I would ever need to be. ;) Thanks for reading!
For those of you who know me well, or maybe even just follow me on Facebook you know that the past few years haven't exactly been a cake walk. I decided to take on radiography school which stretched my limits personally and academically, looking back it was such a priceless experience that helped me grow into the women I am today. I remember telling friends and family," it just can't get much worse then this!" Studying everyday, little sleep, constant scrutiny is enough to make anyone feel insane, but through the grace of God I did it! As I was traveling through my struggle in x-ray school God blessed me with my wonderful husband Thomas. How we managed to start a relationship,build it up and get married while both in college is still a mystery to me!
When I had met Thomas he had already committed his life (or at least the next 5 years) to the United States Army. In many ways I knew somewhat what I was getting into before I married him on that very hot June summer day in 2010. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I also knew I could handle it and wanted to take this journey with him. After only two weeks of marriage the Army would whisk my groom away to the other side of the country for 30 days of training, in which writing letters and a short phone call every two weeks would be how we started off our first year together. Not ideal of course, but like I said, I was prepared! In May 2011 I became an official "army wife. " As Thomas stood up in his neatly pressed uniform, (which cost us about four months of rent) I experienced the first emotion that most wives do...pride! He was commissioning as a second lieutenant and as he repeated his oath of office I remember thinking just how much these words, like our wedding vows, would change both of our lives as we knew it...for better or for worse.
Shortly after commissioning he was given a temporary assignment at Ft. Knox, Kentucky. As for me, I was left to move out of our cozy little apt and move in with my sister. I had been alone many times before due to his Army travels and I felt it would be better if I had someone to stay with during this three month period. During this time I met my now good friend, Jenni, who's husband was in Afghanistan. She was pregnant...very pregnant! We became really close and she was at my house almost every night. We would set in bed together and talk about our struggles with our husbands being gone and how much we miss them as we dipped into a bowl of popcorn...or maybe some brownies or cinnamon rolls. :) Now, we didn't just set around moping for our husbands, we both had jobs and kept very busy with other activities. Meanwhile at night, when most married couples may be discussing their day, preparing for bed, or arguing over who squeezed the tooth paste in the middle. Jenni would come over and we would give each other support that in a non military town like Owensboro, we desperately needed. God has given me many wonderful friends from all stages of life, and now He had blessed me with my first "military wife" friend...a necessity in my opinion for any military family or wife. She had also given me something else...baby fever!!!
I think I will stop here for now...this is where is gets more interesting and detailed ( not to detailed I promise!!) Next up...pregnancy and our first military move!
For those of you who know me well, or maybe even just follow me on Facebook you know that the past few years haven't exactly been a cake walk. I decided to take on radiography school which stretched my limits personally and academically, looking back it was such a priceless experience that helped me grow into the women I am today. I remember telling friends and family," it just can't get much worse then this!" Studying everyday, little sleep, constant scrutiny is enough to make anyone feel insane, but through the grace of God I did it! As I was traveling through my struggle in x-ray school God blessed me with my wonderful husband Thomas. How we managed to start a relationship,build it up and get married while both in college is still a mystery to me!
When I had met Thomas he had already committed his life (or at least the next 5 years) to the United States Army. In many ways I knew somewhat what I was getting into before I married him on that very hot June summer day in 2010. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I also knew I could handle it and wanted to take this journey with him. After only two weeks of marriage the Army would whisk my groom away to the other side of the country for 30 days of training, in which writing letters and a short phone call every two weeks would be how we started off our first year together. Not ideal of course, but like I said, I was prepared! In May 2011 I became an official "army wife. " As Thomas stood up in his neatly pressed uniform, (which cost us about four months of rent) I experienced the first emotion that most wives do...pride! He was commissioning as a second lieutenant and as he repeated his oath of office I remember thinking just how much these words, like our wedding vows, would change both of our lives as we knew it...for better or for worse.
Shortly after commissioning he was given a temporary assignment at Ft. Knox, Kentucky. As for me, I was left to move out of our cozy little apt and move in with my sister. I had been alone many times before due to his Army travels and I felt it would be better if I had someone to stay with during this three month period. During this time I met my now good friend, Jenni, who's husband was in Afghanistan. She was pregnant...very pregnant! We became really close and she was at my house almost every night. We would set in bed together and talk about our struggles with our husbands being gone and how much we miss them as we dipped into a bowl of popcorn...or maybe some brownies or cinnamon rolls. :) Now, we didn't just set around moping for our husbands, we both had jobs and kept very busy with other activities. Meanwhile at night, when most married couples may be discussing their day, preparing for bed, or arguing over who squeezed the tooth paste in the middle. Jenni would come over and we would give each other support that in a non military town like Owensboro, we desperately needed. God has given me many wonderful friends from all stages of life, and now He had blessed me with my first "military wife" friend...a necessity in my opinion for any military family or wife. She had also given me something else...baby fever!!!
I think I will stop here for now...this is where is gets more interesting and detailed ( not to detailed I promise!!) Next up...pregnancy and our first military move!
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